The Post-Meal Warzone

I know, another title caught you by surprise? I promise you after this you’ll understand that this is no exaggeration. This is another one of these things that occur so often I forget to truly process the meaning. After any meal with friends or family, there would always be a lot of yelling and arms flailing around to claim the bill between the adults. I usually just roll my eyes and go on my phone as chaos ensues but after some deeper thinking, I’ve found that this topic is actually really interesting.

Let me paint an image in your mind first. You’ve just finished eating, perfectly satisfied and ready to retire to the comforting grasps of your bed but you can’t because there’s still one thing left. So you find consolation in your phone to whittle down the time until you can return home. Conversations are lively between the adults until the dreaded moment finally comes. Cue dramatic music as the waiter walks over in slow motion with the bill and a pen on a platter. Eyes widen and soon all you can hear is “我请客!” (I treat you). Skip five minutes later (ten if you’re unlucky), one party smiles smugly while paying and the other shakes their heads complaining about how they should have paid. So why do Chinese people (and possibly other Eastern Asian people) do this?

There are probably multiple reasons but I’m going to address the two main reasons I believe this occurs. The first reason this occurs is for one’s expression on their face. It’s not your physical face though, but your dignity or prestige. People try to pay for the bill to show honor and their ability to pay. However, this is followed by the reasoning of karma. How does karma fit into this? You’ve heard of “what goes around comes around” and this is basically the same. Chinese people don’t believe in free things and so when they offer to pay, they basically want to prevent themselves from owing the other person. Here’s an example: You pay for a meal one day and in return, the other person gives you hong bao (red envolope with money) next time you meet or on a holiday. Imagine this but repeated over and over. Basically this money cycles from one person to another transitioning through gatherings and holiday gifts. It’s pretty much a friendly way of one-upping the other. The second reason I believe this happens is responsibility. In a family gathering, the younger or older generation will try to pay claiming that they have to take care of one another. This is a generally wholesome sentiment if not ruined by shouting for the bill.

Don’t get me wrong, in no way am I saying this is all negative. This promotes gift-giving and gatherings between friends and family. I am all for this cultural version of chivalry so don’t complain if I try to pay for the meal. I will carry on the tradition and fight for it.

There are 20 comments

  1. Richard Ren

    The want to claim the bill is very real in Chinese families. I think we’ve all experienced it before. People want to pay the bill to show their respect for the other party. However, it always just ends in a long, heated argument. Great article!

  2. Joanne Li

    I’ve definitely had this experience before! I’ve seen my family split the bill, but I have also (often) seen the side shown here. It’s a very interesting cultural aspect that I’ve never really thought much about. Money given does cycle between friends through gifts. Great job!

  3. grace zhang

    This is a very relatable and interesting article! I enjoyed reading your article a lot. There are so many times when my family did this. I was confused on why they would argue over something like that when I was younger, but I gradually started understanding as I got older. Thank you for writing this!

  4. Esther Lin

    This is such a funny and relatable article. I’ve seen this particle scenario play out in front of my eyes one too many times. I find it amusing when you could just say, “My treat next time.”. I thought it was really weird when I was younger that adults fought to pay but I know there’s another side to those actions now. Good job!

  5. Jason Zheng

    I’ve had this happen before many times before. When I was younger I was confused on why people argued on who would pay. Know I understand that it is a form of courtesy. There should be a better solution. Thank You.

  6. William Chen

    I too have experienced this. When I was younger I was always confused why the parents would be arguing. Now, I understand that they are showing respect. There should be a better way to solve this though. Good job!

  7. Kyle Chan

    Haha, this is a funny article. I experience this often whenever my parents go out to eat with our relatives. When I was younger, I was confused why people would argue about paying. Now, I understand it is to be polite. Maybe next time it should be a game of chance for who pays. Thanks so much! Keep the good work up.

    1. Hitomi Honda

      Haha, I can totally relate having seen this played out so many times! Even though my mom usually “wins” with her battle, she now tries to arrive before the other party and hand her credit card to the cashier…well, she got the bill, but the “war” became one that says “You shouldn’t have”. Well written and expressed article on an interesting topic! Thanks for sharing!

  8. Jason Suh

    Great article Larry! I too find that at restaurants my family all argue over who will pay the bill. Everybody tries to offer to pay for the other. I think that this is a tradition that is not only limited to East-Asian cultures, but all cultures as well. I think it is a way to show your respect and gratitude for the other person. I do agree with you that it is also a friendly way of one-upping the other person. Thanks for sharing!

  9. Kelly Wang

    This has happened to me a lot as well! I’ve always thought that it was only about wholesome sentiment. It is interesting to learn about the karma or dignity aspect that plays into this. Of course, as you said, it’s all with good intent. Aside from that, this article is written beautifully, good job!

  10. Tiffany Chen

    Very interesting article, Larry! I have witnessed this many times before with my extended family. My parents offer to pay, but their siblings want to pay as well. Sometimes my grandparents end up paying, or the siblings take turns in paying. Your reasoning behind this was very insightful. Thank you for sharing!

  11. Logan Chang

    Nice Larry! This article was funny but also very relate-able. At some of my family dinners, there is often a fight to pay for the check or someone pulls a sly “bathroom break” to sneak out and pay before the bill actually comes to the table. At first, I thought this was only out of good manners, but this article has taught me some of the cultural significance behind this. One criticism I have of this practice is the amount of unnecessary attention it draws.

  12. Herin Ahn

    This article is so relatable. Not often but my parents sometimes fight to pay the bill, especially when they’re eating with younger people. I’ve never really thought about the motive behind this, but I think they wanted to pay because if they didn’t, then it might look like their dignity/respect is damaged? Although I secretly hate when these fights happen, it might be a sign that people try hard to honor others or to not lose their dignity. Great job, Larry!

  13. Ryan Lam

    I love this article Larry! Me being Chinese, I can totally relate to this. Whenever we go out to eat with ther Chinese people, we know it’s going to take longer than we expect. The argument over that bill is more intesnse than any conversation during the meal! I like to cower with my phone until the war is over. When I grow up, I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, I’m letting other people pay.

  14. Joey Liu

    I can definitely relate to this article. I’ve encountered this every single time my family has dinner with non-family members. Even within my family sometimes this happens. Whenever this happens my sister and I both get extremely frustrated because other adults would try and give the cash or credit card to my sister and I. We weren’t sure whether or not we should accept it because we were clueless. We have now built up a habit of rejecting anything money related at the dining table at restaurants because our parent’s will be staring/glaring at us. I agree with you; I also think that this is due to a matter of pride and not wanting to owe the other person something. Great article! I enjoyed reading this because it was so relatable.

  15. Claire Ma

    This article is very funny! Every time my family would go out to eat with some other family or friends, they fight over the bill. I know everyone is trying to be the “bigger” person and offers to pay for the bill, but I find it really funny that everyone secretly doesn’t want to pay (from past experiences.) However, I didn’t know people pay for the bill because of Karma but I know it’s because they don’t want to owe anyone anything. Most times, the kids just watch their parents argue after every meal waiting for someone to give in. This is a great way of a never-ending “gift-giving.”

  16. Emily Kweit

    I think this is a very interesting part of customs when eating with other people. Before reading this article, I knew that splitting the bill with someone is considered impolite. It’s almost like they aren’t your friend! However, I didn’t know how much people argue over the bill. When I was in China, I split the bill with one of my friends, but now I know the importance paying the bill has in Chinese culture.

  17. Catherine Liu

    This is a very relatable article. I have experienced this many times and never thought much about it. However, I never knew karma was the reason behind this. This article taught me a lot. Thanks for sharing!

  18. Juliann Lo

    I like how this article addresses a non-traditional topic. This article is really relatable. I’ve totally seen this go down before when I eat with my relatives, but never really understood. You explained it really well in this article, and it all makes sense. I learned a lot from this article about Chinese traditions when it comes to paying bills.

  19. flora qin

    this is such a funny article! I relate to this so much and I cringe every time I remember the times my parents would pass me the bill because I would have no idea what to do. I also remember watching my mom and her friends fight for the bill as I just look at them, terrified. however, I didn’t know paying the bill was a way of one-upping each other. keep up the great work!

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